~of an average, ordinary, everyday, sane, psycho, supergoddess~

Stuck

So I came back. I really don’t have much choice right now and I don’t want to go into it or explain myself right now either. It’s been tough but things have been much better than before. Then there are nights like tonight where he’s drunk and being manipulative, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, and throwing/slamming things around. Nothing he says makes sense it’s just all mean and horrible. On top of it all I’m sick, have a high fever and feel awful. It never occurs to him to take care of me or even help me out and the only acknowledgement of my illness at all is when he tells me move away from him because my fever is making him uncomfortably hot and yells at me for “letting my fever get so high” then says I must just like being sick because I’m sick all the time. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand him. God can not want me to live my life this way. He can’t want my son to grow up with this around him. I just pray that either He will work some miracle and change my husband completely or provide me a way to get out and keep my son safe with me.

PS now he is throwing up all over MY side of the bathroom and all over MY stuff. Left it all and has come back to go to sleep and of course I’m supposed to clean it up. Stupid drunken asshole.

What am I doing?

I came back to give him another chance like he begged for and because my parents are remodeling their house and there is nowhere else for me to go.

And it’s all the same. He is getting mad and yelling and cussing at me and we have been fighting all night because of what…. I don’t know.

Because I’m upset that his parents are accusing me of stealing thousands of dollars from them and telling everyone they know and I have proof I didn’t steal anything (if I had would I be HERE??? Hell no)

Because I’m upset I never did anything wrong yet he told me he told his parents he didn’t love me but he is trying to make things work for our son.

Because I’m upset that he’s in tight with his parents and instead of sticking up for me he just goes along with them.

But he says I’m wrong and I need to let it go and move on. He says he was starting to feel love for me but now he doesn’t and he was starting to be on my side but now he is on theirs.

This is how it all starts again. I’m bawling my eyes out and he doesn’t care. He’s yelling for me to be quiet because he is tired since he had to work (like I’m not tired and I did nothing all day… Total bs)

My bruises from where he hit me with the iron baby gate he ripped out of the wall aren’t even gone yet and I’m back here … Wtf am I doing?

I hate my life. I hate him and his awful family. All I’ve ever done is be a good kind loving person so why do they all hate me so badly? Why doesn’t anyone love me?

callous bitch

Apparently telling your husband he should just go to work (and making him breakfast) instead of calling in sick for the third time in less than a month to his new job because he is hungover makes one a callous bitch.  Hummmmm…. good to know.

I asked him to listen to me and not be mean to me or make fun of me but I wanted to talk to him seriously. He said okay. So I told him he has got to stop being mean to me. He says I’m not mean you are just a crybaby. I said that’s not listening to me it’s blaming me and making fun of me, now I am serious you have to stop being mean to me. He said well stop being such a bitch.

I give up.

Cried when I had to come home today after spending the day at my parentals. He called in to work again today because he was too hungover. I hung out over there all day because I couldn’t stand to be here with him for a full day. He told me today he wants to apply for a job where he would travel majority of the time. I could not be happier.

Sometimes I don’t write on here because I don’t even know where to start.  There is just so much crap, so much abuse, so much… I can’t keep up with it all.  It is every day without fail and even though you would think that by now I would be used to it and it wouldn’t phase me it still does.  It hurts so bad, and I am so frustrated, I just cry and cry and wish that I could die. 

He was yelling at me again today and tearing up and throwing things, telling me how I am a lazy, worthless, drain on him, and a bitch.  He says taking care of our child and keeping the house clean and all the chores done etc. are not a job and they are easy.  He got mad at me because I saw one of my friends this week for a couple of hours and he says that isn’t fair for me to get to do anything like that because he hasn’t gotten to.  (he could after work but he comes home and drinks and gets high and plays video games)

I just hate my life so much.  I am so stuck here.  Yes, I can leave and go live in a bedroom at my parents house but that is not fair to them.  I can not get a job and leave because I am too sick to work, most days I am too sick to even drive.  I just hate everything.  This should be a great time in my life now and I should be enjoying our child and our family should be happy… but it will never be happy because he hates himself and he hates us. 

Self Esteem Buster #853075421

Walked by me today and patted my fat belly and laughed at me.

He told me tonight he eats so much because “real men have real hunger.” I told him I am tired of the constant abuse and just because he says he doesn’t “want” to do it doesn’t make it okay and he got mad and said my PUNISHMENT for talking to him like that is he is going to be awful and mean to me every day for a whole month (what’s new with that asshat?) and also threatened to punch me in the face if I didn’t stop talking. Oh, also he informed me that he is the “God of Thunder.”

I couldn’t make this stuff up, seriously.

I’m trying to take a bath and just relax for a minute and the baby is banging on something in his playroom for about 3 minutes and so I’m calling and calling for Douche (that’s what I’ll call my husband from here on out) to check and see what baby is doing.

Finally he goes in there and comes back to tell me it’s ok the baby is just “banging toys against the wall” no big deal. Ok, well it is a big deal but I don’t go into that with him. I just say, “Ok, can you just listen to be sure baby is ok until I get out of the bath?”

Then he goes insane yelling at me, “What do you think I’m doing. All you ever do is nag and complain, huff and puff, whine and cry.” He walked out of the room, slammed the baby gate, called me a bitch then went outside to smoke leaving nobody to watch the baby so I had to get out.

Not only do I deal with his abuse 24/7 I never have any time to myself to just take a damn bath or anything. I’m typing this while singing to the baby in his room right now waiting for the baby to fall asleep for like an hour before I have to come in here again - and don’t get me wrong I love the baby but raising a child alone with no help is rough. I can’t even leave the baby alone with Douche because he wouldn’t know how to take care of baby and I don’t trust him not to be mean or hurt baby. So pathetic.

I seriously hate my life. It is this stuff ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. It starts when he opens his eyes and doesn’t end until he falls asleep.

After shopping and bringing in groceries myself I am standing bracing myself on the kitchen chair starting to have a small seizure (I have lupus, fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, and epilepsy) and he says all rude and mad like, “What is wrong with you NOW?”

I said, “Nothing is wrong, I just don’t feel very good.”

He said, “People feel bad all the time. Get over it!”